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America, December 31, 2004

Searching for the Sun

I'm tired of being ass-white

Dear God, some sun, please!
Praying for a sunny day
hey, how 'bout this?
Something like this...
For five hours today we chased it. North along the Florida coast, we would see it, enjoy it, and then have to drive in a mad rush to find it again. Like cat and mouse, it teased us with golden light, only to hide when it warmed our skin. Then it would reappear, draping a distant building in vibrant color, receding as we approached.

Now we didn't go on this hunt blindly. No, we knew exactly what we were looking for. Or at least I did, for I hunt for it often, from the beaches of Turkey, to rivers in Russia, to fields China, to islands in Thailand, and even during a swimming pool survey of Uganda.

This day I spent the morning studying satellite maps, wind patterns, cloud cover, and highway systems to find it. And we didn't mosey. From dawn onward, we were focused, we were driven, we were always in the shade.

See, we were hunting sunlight. The skin warming, heat giving, tan making sunlight that we came down here for. We being my friends Christian from Finland, his wife Jenni from Russia, and I, from the snow-swept capital of this fair land. Pale we three are, suntan we want to be, and there is only one true way to tan - by the sun!

No fake and bake tanning bed, no orange spray tan, no false positives of that sort. The only acceptable tan is a sun-given kiss to the skin, a kiss we three so want during our short stay in Florida. Christian is here for a month, Jenni for three weeks, me for only nine short days, four of which were overcast and rainy already.

Today we dropped all pretenses, all morals, and all rational thought and ran north, searching in vain for a bright yellow orb, unencumbered by cloud. Dodge the Nimbostratus, outrun the Altocumulus, and curse the Cirrus! Alas we tried all three, and yet we could only point to empty fuel gauges and bright white skin.

Tomorrow is a new day and we hope to have new luck. I am down here in Florida to see Mom for Christmas. She, the last of my nuclear family, is the luck we needed. Today she was busy, but on the morrow she will be with us, drawing Ra's light to our station, and blessing us with what we so desire - the pleasure of a good suntan.

May your tomorrow and your 2005 be filled with such pleasures too, Happy New Year!


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Having just spent a week running through sub-zero temperatures and a foot of snow in Detroit, I have no pity for you and your lack of sun. None whatsoever.

Get skin cancer and die, you vipers! :)

As a true son of Norway and The Netherlands, my motto is "burn, not tan!" Subsequently, I spend my days pining for deep snow, warm fires, hot chocolate, bearskin rugs, and someone to snuggle with while we watch the raging blizzard outside.

Besides, it's going to be 61 degrees tomorrow in D.C. It's warmer here than Florida!

Get a room

Wow, such haterism.

Remember kids, don't hate the player, hate the game. Its you who are trapped in cold climates and white skin. Flights leave daily for sunny situations. Take one.

No hate here. Just maybe a little envy.

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