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America, August 12, 2005

Mt. Vernon Trail News Flash

Your other left, fools!

Before MVT Impact
After MVT Impact
This just off the wires: If you are walking aimlessly on the Mt. Vernon trail, please stay to the right side of the trail. Better yet, walk on the grass next to the trail, but what ever you do, do not cross the yellow line down the middle of the trail unless you've looked around to make sure the trail is clear. Best of all, do not, under any circumstances, block the entire trail, especially a narrow section with trees on both sides, while oblivious to the world.

See, when you do that, swinging your teenage boyfriend out to the other side of the Mt. Vernon trail, a busy, narrow section at 6:45 pm on a Thursday, he's gonna get hit. And not by some slow-moving jogger. No, by a very competitive triathlete who, unlike your idiot self, is focused on improving himself, and will be approaching you on a very expensive racing bicycle at very high speeds.

This triathlete will not be happy. In fact, he'll be screaming pissed and once he untangles himself from his bike and the bushes he flipped into, will come after your stupid-ass boyfriend with his bent wheel rim. You'll have to run away, dragging your boyfriend behind you because the crazed triathlete will be looking to bend your man's head and then steal his wallet.

Racing bike wheels do not grow on trees, unlike that fool you think is the love of your life. They take detailed craftsmanship to make and $200 to procure. More importantly, by wrecking his wheel, you've ended his training for the day, when he was only a third the way through. Also because he, unlike you, has a full and busy life, he'll not be able to fix his wheel till Saturday noon, missing out on the all important DC TriClub morning brick workout.

So feel lucky that all you got was a good tongue lashing. That triathlete, he's still pissed that your man wasn't permanently scared or at least temporarily maimed by the pointy aerobars on his bicycle. The bars you're man's fat back bent back. Oh yeah, and if he ever sees you again, he'll be sure to beat that $200 out of you with his water bottles.

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