#51 If you get the jokes

Fifty (50) easy ways to tell if it is time to leave Russia

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You know you have been in Russia too long when....

You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.
You carry a plastic shopping bag with you 'just in case.'
You say he/she is 'on the meeting' (as opposed to the more proper 'at the' or 'in a' meeting).
You answer the phone by saying 'allo, allo, allo' before giving the caller a chance to respond.
You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.
When crossing the street, you sprint.
In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.
You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 30 rubles to go 2-3 miles while it is snowing.
You actually know and care who won the last Spartak soccer match.
You win a shoving match with an old Babushka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxi driver and the impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC.
You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your 'just in case' disposable hypodermic needle in your other coat.
You 'automatically' hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through the metal detector.
You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli.
You notice that Flathead's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.
Your day seems brighter after seeing that Goon's Mercedes run into by a pensioner's 'Moskvich'.
You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
Your not sure what to do you when the 'Gai' only asks you to pay the official fine.
You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot water.
You're offended when your American friend gives you a 'dozen' roses.
You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your TV.
You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses Kleenex.
You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.
You ask for no ice in your drink.
When you start using 'davi' instead of 'yes'.
When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.
When you develop a liking for beets.
When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.
When you begin to socialize with your driver and/or your cleaning lady.
When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
When you swear the arms on Gagarin's statue move (see photo).
When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.
When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka.
When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars.
When you start shopping for products by their country of production
When you go for a walk in the park, Baltika in hand, and its -8 and snowing.
When it doesn't seem strange to pay a the GAI of $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka.
When you start to 'feel' public transport and bridge opening schedules.
When you know more than 60 Olgas
When you give you business card to social acquaintances.
When you wear a wool hat in the sauna.
When you put the empty bottle of wine on the floor in a restaurant.

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Russia, February 16, 1999

Fifty (50) easy ways to tell if it is time to leave Russia

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