America, August 2, 2004
Bye Bye Wingman
We were the mac-daddy mojo duo
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I had a friend, Matt P we'll call him, who was a treasure for me to find right after Jingmei and I separated. Fresh from his own divorce, we quickly bonded with all the heartbreak and freedom that such a tragedy presents a guy. We bonded over kickball, beers, and guys' nights out. I bonded with Matt P like very few other guys in my life. Hell, maybe like no other, for while we were very similar in situations, we were very divergent in tastes. In the same bar, looking at the same women, we had completely different tastes. Luckier still, women who liked him, passed me by, and those that talked to me, gave him a passing glance. Then we would throw down for each other. I can't count the number of time I pulled a hottie out of a cab, with a line and a smile, for Matt P to chat up. Or the times Matt P entertained the annoying friends of the beauties I worked my mojo on. All in all, we were an unstoppable duo. Well that was until June. That's when my calls and emails started to go unanswered. It was gradual at first, but then I realized a month had passed and he only wrote thrice, and only then when I went Jewish Mom on him with 'So, you don't love me no more?' voicemails. By mid-July, I was fed up. The silence was so deafening that I wrote the 'What the f#@k?!' email. The one where I poured my heart out about how he was hurting me with his indifference to our friendship, how I wondered if I'd done something wrong, in essence, why he didn't wanna talk with me anymore. Do you know what I got back? It was so classic! I got the 'Problem? What problem? You're being way too needy!' email. Yes, guys give it to other guys just like they give it to girls, and he gave it to me like I was some random Betty. So I was adult about it. I took Matt P off my email list, and outta my cell phone, erasing him from my life. If he wants back in, he knows how to reach me. And one day I wish he still would. Until then, here's to the wingman, and may I find another. |
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There is neither a more valuable nor rare animal on this planet than a great wingman. A man who will go behind enemy lines with you and chase women from dusk till dawn, and through thick and thin. A man who understands the rules of engagement and the art of the approach. A man who will lie to women for you with a straight face, and vice versa. A man who knows when to approach a group of women and when not to.
Where have all the great wingmen gone? Where art thou? All that seem remain are a bunch of coattail riding pussies, who are afraid to get their hands bloodied in the middle of the frey. Guys who lie in the brush, waiting for you to initiate conversations with women (because they lack the confidence to initiate one), before sneaking in from the rear, with little or nothing to say.
A great wingman works in tandem with his partner, and he understands that there is strength in numbers -Working in a tamdem makes the team stronger. A great wingman is educated (can converse about a number of topics, and is nimble with his words), funny, confident, and doesn't give a fuck what anyone else thinks, because he understands the the great laws of "wingmandom". The laws of "wingmandom" are laws that have been passed down for thousands of years, and a great wingman has taken a sacred oath to honor and respect those laws. \
The first law of "wingmandom" is: Have fun first and forement, and the women will most certainly follow. Women like being around fun, confident guys, and even if you fail on your mission that evening (picking up women), you will have had fun, and nothing would have been lost. The Coattail riders feign confidence, they always say the wrong things at the wrong times, and they end up fucking up the evening for everyone. They also fail to understand the second law of "wingmandom", which is very important to a harmonious team.
The second law of "wingmandom" is, Never cockblock. If one of your teamates has a woman's ear/attention, and its obvious she's very much into him, leave the area immediately and allow him to work his magic. Don't break into their conversation, because you can screw up the chemistry and destroy any one night stand possibilities he might've had. A great wingman knows when to disappear into the shawdows, and allow his partner to fly solo.
The third law of "wingmandom" is also very important, and a great wingman must always follow it to the letter. Know when to cut your losses, no matter how much time or energy you invested in a woman, or a group of women. If your gut tells you a group of women aren't interested, make a clean-respectful break as soon as possible. Cut your losses quickly if you've engaged in meaningless conversation, if you feel the chemistry is either not there, or if the women are engaging in the conversation just to be nice (or the scheme drinks). If a woman or a group of women aren't interested, there's not much you can do to change that - a good wingman understand this - Walk away.
This brings us to the fourth and final law of "wingmandom". No one wingman is bigger than the team. Both must make sacrifices in order to make a successful team, and to coexist. In other words, somebody has gotta be the sacrificial lamb, fling himself on the grenade, take one for the team, and take the "talks too much chick", the fat chick, or the ugly chick. More often than not, attractive women hang in packs, but sometimes they bring the "less than your standards" chick. In that scenario, you'll have to come up with a set of ground rules, which can never ever be deviated from. Either you take turns (you take the attaractive chick this time, and the next time the situation comes up, it'll be my turn), or it becomes a "who see's the attractive chick first" scenario (Taking turns is usually the more dimplomatic/honorable approach).
However under no circumstances, must you hang your wingman out to dry, especially if he's gone to bat for you in the past by flinging himself on the knife. If it's his turn to talk to the attractive chick, you MUST talk to the "less than your standards" chick, because that chick could end up blowing ANY chance he had with the attractive chick. Those are the rules. And I'm sure 99% of the men out there has had a "less than your standards" chick ruining his evening by pulling her attractive (and interested in him) friend away from their conversation, because no one was talking to her, story. Chicks like that have been ruining men's one night stands chances for many a moon, and they won't be stopping anytime soon. In fact, chicks like that feel its their civic duty, hence the importance of a great wingman. A great wingman can neutralize a "less than your standards" chick's powers.
I had one of the best wingmen in the world for about 6 years, however he moved away, and I've yet to find anyone to take his place. I've interviewed a few guys, I've tried to "coach-up" a few others, and I've gone to war with many other wannabes, however none have worked out - They've all failed miserably. I've usually gotten stuck doing most of the heavy lifting, while they've ridden my coattails to the promised land. Well, no more. Fuck it! I'd rather go to war alone, than with a bunch of pussies.